thank you.

normally i like to tell people privately how thankful i am for them in my life, but this year all of my friends, and family (blood or otherwise) have stepped up to the plate and been so amazing and shown me how much love there is in my life that i had to shout it from the rafters. in a time where i could see no silver lining, and no light at the end of the tunnel was visible something amazing happened. my friends. to every single person who came up to me, or texted me, or called me, or gave me a hug, thank you. i will never be able to fully express how much it made a difference to me. every day when i couldn't figure out how i was going to make it another one, one of you came up to me in some way and asked if i was ok. thank you so much.

Robert - you have always been there for me with a shoulder to lean on and a hug. you told me the things i needed to hear, and the things i didn't. you supported me no matter what choices i made, and always gave me the best advice you could. you also gave me something to look forward too. i don't know what i would do with out you best friend, and i am so proud to have you in my life.

Danny - my brother. what can i say about you that could even begin to let you know how much i love you. when i called you at midnight and said im moving back home let's get a place together, you immediately said yes, and helped to find us a place. anytime i need someone, i know i can count on you. you are the best roommate i have ever had, you make me smile and laugh, and i don't feel like i am living with a roommate, i feel like i am living with family. when my brother died, i thought that i would never get another brother, but luckily for me, god gave me you. you are my family and nothing will ever change that.

Melanie - my sister. thank you for making me a part of your family, and making me ben's godfather. i don't know if i have told you how honored and special i felt to be given that gift. i can not believe that i have known you since i was 10, i am so glad that our friendship has blossomed into what it is today. you have always been there, whether i call you crying on the phone, or show up on your doorstep in the pouring rain. i never felt like i was asking to much or in the way when i was with you, i felt like i was with my family and where i belonged.

Wester - my brubbie. you make me laugh and smile, you always know exactly what to say and when to say it. it saddens me that we are so far apart, but i think of you every day in some way or another, and you have always been by my side. thank you brubbie.

Kathie - i honestly can never thank you enough for the gifts you have given me, and continue to give me. As a child, You, Alex, Ali, and CTN gave me a home, and made me feel like i was special, and gifted. you taught me that i had a gift worth sharing, and to never do anything less than my best, because not only would i be cheating myself, but i was cheating others. you pushed me to try new things, and tried to send me on a path of success. you have always been supportive and proud of every accomplishment no matter how great or how small. i want you to know with every job, with every success, with every show, i have looked at my work and wondered if you and Alex would be proud, and if the answer is yes, i know i have done a good job. Then this year when i had nothing, and was starting fresh, you gave me the chance to yet again succeed. Working with you, and for you has been a highlight and a blessing. this summer i felt worthless, i had no idea what i was going to do, or how my life was going to turn out, and you gave me something to look forward too. what could have been a disaster has turned into a dream because you welcomed me back into the family, and gave me a chance. i hope that i continue to make you and Ali proud. please know how much it means to me, and how special you are to me.

Jaq Jaq - i have never worked with a nicer person. you made everyday working at urban a total joy. i hope you know how thoughtful and talented and wonderful you are. you always knew when i was upset, and listened to everything i had to say, and gave me the best advice i could ask for. i miss you terribly, and hope that you are being treated the way you deserve to be treated because you are a rare treasure.

Chachi - i have never laughed so hard with someone, you were always a breath of fresh air and a joy to work with. thank you for making me smile and laugh during a time when i didn't think it was possible. you always surprised me.

Donny - you can make me feel better without saying anything at all. i know sometimes we butt heads, and i am hard on you, but it is because i love you so much. i want so much for you to be happy, and to have the things that you deserve. i don't say it enough but i am so proud of you, and think you have grown into a fantastic man, i can't believe you are the same shy boy i met soph year. i hope you always will speak your mind to me, because i cherish your thoughts.

Josy - thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you for believing in me, and giving me a chance to grow in my craft. i have never worked with such an amazing and talented director as you. thank you for always letting me try something different and new. thank you for making me feel a part of your family, and welcoming me into your life. from the moment i met you i knew i had an amazing friend, who i hope will be a part of my life for ever. thank you for being someone i could call to talk too, and dropping everything to be with me in my time of need. you were a shoulder to cry on, a ear that listened, and a true friend when i felt i had no one to talk too. i am so blessed to have met you.

Jason - thank you for believing in me, even though you didn't always understand my methods, or my ideas. i know that you took a chance on me, and i will be forever grateful, when i came to Antioch, i was following someone on his dream, when i left Antioch not only did i learn that i was capable of doing amazing things, but i found my own dreams, and i have you to thank. your friendship and support mean the world to me.

Christy, Gina, and L. Heck - thank you for giving me the chance to work with your children. thank you for welcoming me into your school, and your community. so many times in my two years at Delta you thanked me for the work that i did, but i don't know if i ever truly thanked you for what you did for me. when i left NY i was a party boy, i arrived in Antioch with out a purpose, and had no idea how i would be recieved. You all made me feel welcome, and valued. i came to Antioch a party kid, and i left it an adult. thank you so much for the impact you made on my life.

my Delta kids - you all mean the world to me, i have never had a harder goodbye than the one i had to give to you. not a day goes by that i don't think about you guys. Thank you so much for making me a part of your school and your family, i see the pride you have in your school, and i am honored that you let me be a part of it. one of the reasons i always worked so hard, and tried to do so much, is because i see all of you, and i believe that you deserve nothing less than the best, and to feel like i gave you less than my best, to feel like i might disappoint you in anyway was one of my biggest fears, i hope that i am always someone that you can look up too. i hope that you all know how talented and amazing you are, because i know from the bottom of my heart that if you guys try your best you will go as far as you want too.

Papa Bunny - i want you to know that your kind words, and your friendship mean the world to me. you have reminded me countless times that i am someone who is worth the best that life has to offer. thank you for making me feel special even when we are a thousand miles apart.

Christian - last summer at Sandy's wedding when we got in the car you said to me "you're my cousin and i love you know matter who you love" i don't think you know how much that meant to me, you are my family, and i miss you and think of you every day. i am sorry we have grown apart for what ever the reasons are, but those couple days with you and mark were the best days of my summer because i felt like i was a part of the family again. thank you.

i hope everyone is surrounded by loved ones during this holiday season. i have more love in my life than i know what to do with. thank you.

moments like this never last.

Across my lower back it says "moments like this never last". Most people look at it and assume because of it's placement on my body, and my sexual preference that it is about having sex. they would be wrong. If life has taught me anything it's to enjoy what you have, when you have it, because you never know when it will be gone. When I was seven, I was in a car accident with my mother, and my brother, and my brother didn't survive. I learned at a very young age what loss of a loved one felt like, and I lost many others. The one thing I learned is to enjoy every second, try not to spend time fighting, or being angry. Go out and live life, take pictures, and create memories with as many people as you can. Make an impact on peoples lives, and let them know you care about them. Tell the people you care about you love them, and tell them often. Because you never know when they will be gone, and you can't live your life in the what if.

If you had asked me this time last year what I thought I would be doing, and where i would be, I would have had several thoughts, ideas, and answers. they all would have been wrong. It's funny because just when you think you've got life figured out, that bitch pulls a fast one and changes the game on you. But, it is what it is, so here I am.

In February my relationship with my partner fell apart, and by June he had decided to move on to someone else. It took a really long time for me to realize that it was over, if I had been smart, i would have left in February. Tell me though, when has love ever been smart? So I took the risk, and stuck it out for as long as there was something worth sticking it out for. What's funny is the difference my relationship with him has made on my life. When I met him, I had come out of a serious relationship, and i thought i will never love again. I thought I could never trust again. I would never be able to open my heart to someone again. Now, I know different. I know that the right guy is out there for me, and I have only come closer to finding the kind of relationship I want and deserve. While i was in conservatory in New York, I used to frustrate my teachers, because they would ask me if there was anything that had ever hurt or disappointed so bad that it made me cry, and i would simply say no. I don't believe in crying. they would laugh and ask me what i meant, and i would tell them that I thought crying was a waste of time, because when you cry your entire body focuses on crying and it can't do anything else, it can't solve anything, it can't fix anything. I believed that with my whole body and heart. Well, I can now say that I have been that hurt, and been that disappointed where all I could do is cry, and I did. Did it solve anything, did it fix anything, no. But, I finally realized, that is because there was no other option. There was nothing to solve, and nothing to fix, and so i cried.

I will never forget what it felt like to pack up my first real home. To go through my things and wrap them, and stick them into boxes. To decide what was mine and what was his. I packed up three years of my life into twenty-three boxes. I said good bye to an apt I loved, because for the first time it wasn't an apt, it was a HOME. It was a place where we held parties. We picked out furniture to make it just right. We debated over paintings, and vases, and knick-knacks to make it ours. It was a place I was proud of. I remember the morning I said goodbye, the morning I moved out and left, I looked around the bedroom totally empty, nothing left in it, and cried. When he asked me why, I said because last night this was our room, this was our home, and now it's just an apt, there is no sign I was ever here. That morning when we woke up for the last time, he wrapped his arms around me and he held me one last time, he placed his face against the back of my neck for the last time. That will always be the last memory I have him. That moment, even though for weeks we had fought and been filled with such a sadness and an anger, that last embrace is what I will carry with me.

When I talk to friends and they ask me if I hate him, or if I blame him, I simply can not. To carry around that kind of hate and anger for someone you so deeply cared about, is a poison. I wish I could say that I don't ever feel hate, or anger towards the people who have hurt me, but sometimes I do, and I am working on that. I hope one day that my heart is so full of love, that there is no room for hate in it. People will come in and out of your lives, but few make an impact that will stay with you forever. I am thankful for the things I learned while I was with him, and I will remember all the good things, but as with any relationship it is time to move on; and so I have, and so I will.

- KS