moments like this never last.

Across my lower back it says "moments like this never last". Most people look at it and assume because of it's placement on my body, and my sexual preference that it is about having sex. they would be wrong. If life has taught me anything it's to enjoy what you have, when you have it, because you never know when it will be gone. When I was seven, I was in a car accident with my mother, and my brother, and my brother didn't survive. I learned at a very young age what loss of a loved one felt like, and I lost many others. The one thing I learned is to enjoy every second, try not to spend time fighting, or being angry. Go out and live life, take pictures, and create memories with as many people as you can. Make an impact on peoples lives, and let them know you care about them. Tell the people you care about you love them, and tell them often. Because you never know when they will be gone, and you can't live your life in the what if.

If you had asked me this time last year what I thought I would be doing, and where i would be, I would have had several thoughts, ideas, and answers. they all would have been wrong. It's funny because just when you think you've got life figured out, that bitch pulls a fast one and changes the game on you. But, it is what it is, so here I am.

In February my relationship with my partner fell apart, and by June he had decided to move on to someone else. It took a really long time for me to realize that it was over, if I had been smart, i would have left in February. Tell me though, when has love ever been smart? So I took the risk, and stuck it out for as long as there was something worth sticking it out for. What's funny is the difference my relationship with him has made on my life. When I met him, I had come out of a serious relationship, and i thought i will never love again. I thought I could never trust again. I would never be able to open my heart to someone again. Now, I know different. I know that the right guy is out there for me, and I have only come closer to finding the kind of relationship I want and deserve. While i was in conservatory in New York, I used to frustrate my teachers, because they would ask me if there was anything that had ever hurt or disappointed so bad that it made me cry, and i would simply say no. I don't believe in crying. they would laugh and ask me what i meant, and i would tell them that I thought crying was a waste of time, because when you cry your entire body focuses on crying and it can't do anything else, it can't solve anything, it can't fix anything. I believed that with my whole body and heart. Well, I can now say that I have been that hurt, and been that disappointed where all I could do is cry, and I did. Did it solve anything, did it fix anything, no. But, I finally realized, that is because there was no other option. There was nothing to solve, and nothing to fix, and so i cried.

I will never forget what it felt like to pack up my first real home. To go through my things and wrap them, and stick them into boxes. To decide what was mine and what was his. I packed up three years of my life into twenty-three boxes. I said good bye to an apt I loved, because for the first time it wasn't an apt, it was a HOME. It was a place where we held parties. We picked out furniture to make it just right. We debated over paintings, and vases, and knick-knacks to make it ours. It was a place I was proud of. I remember the morning I said goodbye, the morning I moved out and left, I looked around the bedroom totally empty, nothing left in it, and cried. When he asked me why, I said because last night this was our room, this was our home, and now it's just an apt, there is no sign I was ever here. That morning when we woke up for the last time, he wrapped his arms around me and he held me one last time, he placed his face against the back of my neck for the last time. That will always be the last memory I have him. That moment, even though for weeks we had fought and been filled with such a sadness and an anger, that last embrace is what I will carry with me.

When I talk to friends and they ask me if I hate him, or if I blame him, I simply can not. To carry around that kind of hate and anger for someone you so deeply cared about, is a poison. I wish I could say that I don't ever feel hate, or anger towards the people who have hurt me, but sometimes I do, and I am working on that. I hope one day that my heart is so full of love, that there is no room for hate in it. People will come in and out of your lives, but few make an impact that will stay with you forever. I am thankful for the things I learned while I was with him, and I will remember all the good things, but as with any relationship it is time to move on; and so I have, and so I will.

- KS