thankfull

This was emailed to me by a former student, she is turning this paper in for her English class. i feel so honored and blessed to have been given the chance to make such an impact on her. it is times like this, and moments like these that let me know i have made the right choices in my life. words can't describe how this made me feel.

Two minutes and forty-two seconds. Two minutes and forty-two seconds was all it took to change everything I believed in. I never thought a song about love would teach me so much about the topic, and I certainly did not expect for it to mean anything when it did not apply directly to me. It was not the beat, or the volume, or necessarily even the lyrics at the time, but that song taught me everything I now know. There are beautiful moments in life you can not explain, and somehow, a song is magical enough to change everything about you.

I sat on the all too familiar cold cafeteria floor as I watched my teacher sing what I now believe to be one of the most powerful songs in musical theatre. At the start, we were just continuing a routine. It was fun to sit on the floor, fun to hear people sing. It was really our first opportunity as freshman to see our teachers do not only what they love, but what they taught us daily. The Teacher’s Cabaret was prepared very last minute, so not everyone showed up to showcase their talents. Mr. Messmer was sick, and pulled out songs that he was capable of singing despite his illness. One of the songs was from Avenue Q, and was entitled “There’s a Fine, Fine Line.” At first, it was just another song to be sung, and I knew that after roughly three minutes we would be on to the next one, with no major recollection of what had happened. A few claps, cheers, and that would be that. I was wrong.

As Mr. Messmer sang the lyrics “there’s a fine, fine line between love, and a waste of your time” something told me that I needed to turn to Kirk. I have no idea what made me do so, but those mere seconds taught me that, as un-poetic as it sounds, love is love. I suddenly had no idea what I had been doing the past years of my life. I had no idea what made me pass judgment on others because of who they loved. Suddenly, the thought seemed incomprehensible. There was my amazing teacher, singing this heart wrenchingly beautiful song, as the man that loved him stood up against the cutout door of the place that had become my home. There was no acting involved. I knew the feeling was genuine love, and I immediately learned what love looked like.

“There’s a fine, fine line, between a fairytale, and a lie.” As my freshman year ended, and sophomore year began, I was cast in a show where I got to sing, and I was thrilled. I had learned how powerful a song could be, and to have the opportunity to improve upon something I never thought I would be good at was amazing. Of course, Kirk was there the whole way. I then got cast in Memoirs of a Fairytale, an amazing opportunity and blessing. I was cast with people I considered amazing singers; people I thought I would never be grouped with. I was so excited every day that Kirk came in with a new costume, and thrilled beyond imaginable every time I got to step onto our makeshift stage at school. I had learned from that two minutes and forty-five seconds and my work in the shows that I wanted to do musicals. Singing was my only escape from the world I lived in, and I was given access to my heaven on earth. I know knew that singing had the power to change a life, and I was getting to learn how to do so with the two people who changed mine.

“There’s a fine, fine line between you’re wonderful, and goodbye.” At the start of the summer, I went Mac’s Old House with my parents and Alexis. We were eating our salads when out of no where Alexis learned over to me and whispered “you know Mr. Messmer and Kirk broke up, right?” I did not know. I also, very clearly, did not know how to react. I could not figure out what to say, or do, I just knew that I wanted to cry. I could not. Not at the restaurant. A few tears came, but I did not allow anything more. My mother then went on to tell me Kirk’s going away dinner was that night. I was hit with another blow. This person that taught me more in two minutes than anyone had in fifteen years would be out of my life in less than twenty-four hours. It was the worst feeling in the world. When she asked if we wanted to go, I did not allow Alexis to answer. I answered “yes.” I was not letting my very sudden goodbye be taken away from me. We went to dinner, and I had fun, and when it was over, I cried. I was afraid that I would not get to see him again. Luckily, I had one last chance to see Kirk before he left, and was able to say a more formal goodbye outside of Starbucks. I cried more than I did at the restaurant. I cried more than I did after the dinner at Melo’s. I cried when I hugged him. I cried when I got in the car. I cried when I got home. I did not care if crying was the wrong thing to do, I was done with caring about people’s opinions, after all, I had been blindly deceived by them until that cabaret night. Kirk assured me that it was only goodbye until next time, but I did not know how I was expected to function alone.

“You got to go after the things you want while you’re still in your prime.” In the time since freshman year, I have been involved with the GSA, with plans to rejoin Deer Valley’s after Winter Break. I have this amazing idea for a dance that involves a medley of influential songs to protest against discrimination that will hopefully be showcased some time in the future. I have events I want to attend, opinions I want to influence, taunting I want to speak out against, activism I want to participate in, and ultimately, a dream of equality that I want to become reality. Had I stayed the ignorant, closed minded person I was my freshman year of high school, I would have silenced a big dream I have. I also would have turned away those that have become my closest friends.

I walked in freshman year clearly set in voting “yes” on Prop 8 for our mock ballots. It was what I had been taught by my parents and those around me, and I followed it without question. I do not know what happened, but something about seeing a teacher that I worked so closely with, and that I looked up to, do what he loves, with the one he loved, had the power to change who I was. I really never thought that anything that happened during a song would hit me so hard, and teach me so much, by completely flipping my world around and teaching me more than I ever expected to learn. It was the first time I shed away any regard of what people told me to believe, and truly noticed that I had opinions of my own, and that I understood what I believed to be “right” as just that: right. At first, when I learned that Kirk was leaving, I was extremely afraid. I was afraid there were more things I needed to learn from him, and he needed to be near by. I now believe I was wrong about that too. I still learn a lot from him every day, but I know that the work he is doing now can also influence the life of an impressionable child. He is where he needs to be, and I was blessed to have had him in my life while I did. In one look, something that I am sure seemed so basic to him, supporting the man he loved, changed my life, and I am sure he will change many more. I have learned that I do not care what the church, or my parents, tell me to believe. In the end, love is love, and if I get condemned for believing that, well, it is a chance I am more than willing to take. I have learned to form my own opinions, and stand by them as the strong, determined, young woman I am becoming. In just several measures of a song, the door was opened to give me the life I want to have. For that, I am more thankful than words can possibly begin to express.